A Phoenix Rises from the Ashes

I ask you, have you ever been at such a level of irritation or annoyance that there are just NO words that can express it?

Well, I am, with my life, my job, my kids…everydamnthingrightnow….

I get that I am a “go to” type of person in both work and home life. But right now, I want someone else to be that person I can go to…I need to step away from everything for a week or so, before someone gets a karate chop to the throat.

No, seriously…

I’m usually the one person you can count on to be level and logical when shit goes wrong, but right now, its really hard to care…

No time to post more details, but I will try to update ya’ll on things tomorrow.

*smooches*

Hello World

For those of you who actually read my blog and are friends, I’m writing to let you know that I will be OTG for a while.

I’m taking some time to take care of me and figure my life out, without distraction.

I don’t know if this will work, but I need to try something. So much is going on inside of me that I don’t know which way to turn.

They say true friends will be there no matter how far you may travel.  I hope you all are still here when I come back.

Please, leave me comments here, I will check as frequently as possible.

Love and SMOOCHES!
Sun

Returning to me

Well, that last post, about withstanding potholes? Yea, well, the last one I hit did some major damage so I think it’s time to take her in for an overhaul.

Realizing that I am stronger and deserve more, I am resolving to change my situation. First with accepting that I cannot change the person who I am with, but I can change how I deal with him.

I found that I started censoring who I am to be with him and had begun to lose myself.

I was wallowing in what I couldn’t change, now I am going to revel in making myself to be the person I know I am, inside, and not what he wants outside…

I began to repress my feelings for the sake of not causing arguments or stress…but it was beginning to eat away at me…

I was becoming depressed…snapping at the kids, staying in bed, dropping off my diet…all because I was suppressing who I truly am.

No longer…No more self-abuse, no more self-doubt.

No more pretending…

I love ME, damn everything else…

Without potholes?

What is life with out potholes? Weird sentence, eh?

I mean what would life be if it were a constantly smooth ride? How would we learn to adjust to obstacles? How would we know if we are strong enough to withstand a bumpy ride, if we can absorb the shock?

This I know, life would be boring without those bumps in the road, and, we would learn nothing simply coasting along.

While the scenery may be beautiful, at times it becomes monotonous. Potholes make us keep our eyes on the road and our minds sharp, they keep us aware of our surroundings.

So, don’t be mad if you hit one, it’s just reminding you that you need to focus to avoid the next one…

That’s what I’m going through now, a street with quite a few potholes, I’m absorbing the shock and focusing on what’s to come.

It’s not easy, but I can withstand it…

-Sun

Work in Progress

*sigh*

Its so hard leaving the good of the past behind me. This weekend was rather hard because I felt like he ditched me.

I don’t mind doing things on my own. However, if I ask you to do something for or with me and I can’t get an answer, then when I get back, you’re gone and stay out late, I can’t take it nothing but personal.

*shrug*

I know I said I wouldn’t share the bad, but when its starting to point me to why we split, its really hard not to. AND its hard not to reach back to the time where I felt the best and most wanted…

Oh well, I’m working on it…

Sun…

Meditations

I wrote this a few years ago when I was sitting up waiting for that “man” to come home, but it seems an appropriate repost for me today. I posted it before on my old Vox, but I can’t find it, I made some edits, but I can’t remember what they were, so here it is in its original format… 

As dawn breaks I sit here pondering the reality of life.

Is it really what I see?

Does I really matter?

Do I really make a difference?

Or do I just take up space?

Is there a reason why I can’t enjoy each day?

Why don’t I realize it’s a gift?

A gift to be savored with each breath I take?

If I could just open my eyes to the wonder around me.

The walking miracles called Humans.

Just take a look at all that has been created from virtually nothing.

If I could just take a look at the brilliance and the intensity of every thing around me
and be amazed at everything I see.

Some people say that you should deprive yourself of the beauty around you, that you should deny yourself of the pure pleasure of being, that you should feel only one way or another.

Why?

Isn’t individuality what causes creativity,
which,
in turn,
creates what is beautiful around us?

The reality of life is just that, it is.

And I am learning to be thankful for just that.

It is.

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What is Starting Fresh?

Starting Fresh is my way of saying its time to leave the past behind. I thought that writing about it would make it easier to let it go, but it turns out, it just made it stay fresh in my mind.

I’ve begun to just focus on what I need to be happy NOW, not what happened in the past and how many wrongs I perceived to have been handed. I’m taking responsibility for MY part in how I reacted to what happened to me. I am the only one who could control my actions and to put it mildly, I am quite ashamed of how I did react in some instances.

I know you are going to say, well, we can’t blame you. You were hurt, you were used, you were emotionally abused. Yes to all of that, but in that, I CHOSE to stay and play the hand I was dealt, instead of folding and placing my cards on the table to say I wasn’t going to accept it.

I behaved badly, in many, many things I chose to do. A few of you were party to that bad behavior. My BAD, not yours. Please accept my apologies.

I knew better. Period.

I made some real friends over the course of the past 3-4 years, ones that I won’t ever regret connecting with, even though some of our interactions were less than appropriate.

Don’t read this wrong, this does not by any means abdicate his responsibility in my emotional state, I’m just saying, I knew what I was doing was wrong. My mother and grandmother probably spun in their graves…

So, Starting Fresh means: I’m leaving the past behind, looking to the future for a brighter day. I’m going to live in the Sun and shy away from the darkness that I know can be in me.

I’m going to be a better me, one that I know I can be.

Do you still want to take that ride with me?

I’ll still post my ups and downs, dumb shit that happens at work, crap about my kids, etc, but nothing more about what he did to hurt me, what I did in response…Let’s move forward, together, mkay?

Still Shyning,

SunShyn!