Today, I’m going to start cleaning out my storage unit and move things into my new apartment. I won’t be completely able to actually survive living there until the 1st of September, though…money is TIGHT…to say the least. August has been the hardest month so far when it comes to my finances because I really had to help my son get an apartment so as not to be homeless….but that’s a story for another post…I think I’ll title it “the things we do for our children but would never even think about asking anyone to do it for us…”

So in thinking about my storage unit, I likened it to the way we store our experiences and how if we don’t clean them out, we will constantly pay a fee for keeping things that will help us move on (once we address it) locked up in our mental storage.

I’ll be starting therapy soon so that I can clean out my mental  and emotional storage and so I can work towards being a better me.

I have a lot of hurt from this relationship and from my past. Things that reared their ugly heads when I reunited with my son. Things I locked away because they hurt so badly. Things that caused me to get unhealthily attached to my kids dad. Things that made me walk away from him and set me on this journey. Things that I am so not proud of ….you get my drift?

I now know that holding those things in storage have stunted my emotional and mental growth and I’m looking forward to delving into them and exercising them for good!

I’m gonna get my SunShyn back…




Let me catch up on what’s been happening…

As you know, I reunited with my son on Christmas Day 2011. That took me on a journey, let me tell you, a journey to find that little girl I left behind. That happy, smiling, self-confident….loving, trusting, sweetheart of a girl….with all her flaws and imperfections…

After our reunion, I was just so…just I really can’t even put a finger on it…I was embarrassed that my life seemed to be stagnant… I was mortified that I was so scared of my kids dad that I couldn’t spend his entire visit with him. I was so petrified that I still can’t even put that feeling into words.

I felt like I had to justify why I was such a coward. He understood. I cannot fathom how he felt that I didn’t spend more than a couple hours with him…I don’t think I even want to.

That day was the catalyst for where I am right now. I spent months upon months gathering the courage to make a stand and do what I know was right for me.

First, I made plans to visit him for Easter…I was a coward and cancelled at the last minute. I don’t think I even want to know how that made him feel. Next, I wanted him to come here for Mother’s Day (but when I think back on it, it was unreasonable, he is still getting over his mother’s death.) He cancelled stating that he didn’t want to have to stay in a hotel again. I understood, it hurt, but I understood.

I was being unreliable and undependable, all because of my kids dad….I was being forced to make a choice. Even though the words that were coming out of his mouth said that even though he refused to support me in my relationship with my son, he wasn’t going to do anything (read: physically) to prevent it.

Yeah, right…

So, I made plans to go to Denver to be with my son for his birthday. Needless to say, I don’t think he trusted that I was going to come. I truly believe that he thought I would let him down. Every time we had a conversation from the time I told him I was coming, up through the day I actually got on the plane, he asked me was I still coming. Deep down, I didn’t know if I was going to have the courage to actually do it, myself.

I did it. I walked out of that house on Friday, June 8 with the intention of never coming back. To the point of actually leaving my house keys on the table. I never had the courage to talk to my kids dad about what was going on, I couldn’t deal with any arguing or emotional outbursts, me begging and pleading for him to let me go…I just walked out…and left my cell phone dead on the table…

So, I suppose that was something telling me I had to face him, that day….my gut was tied in knots…to say the least. I had my daughter help me kinda of pull the wool over his eyes and was back at the house when he got home…(needless to say, I had to cancel my flight for that day and I DREADED telling my son.)

So, to make this short…I faced him and said that I was going to see my son for his birthday and that I was leaving tomorrow and I needed to know if I would have a place to live when I returned.

*dead silence*

He didn’t take that well, and I don’t blame him. He said no…and to make sure that if I went, I packed up all my things and took them with me. Well, I asked him, again, same answer. He said I was doing the same thing as when I left 3 years ago.

It was nothing of the sort, but I couldn’t convince him. I left…I haven’t lived in that house since…

(According to him, I misunderstood him telling me to get out…that he only meant for me to leave and let him calm down…yea…right)

To be continued…


I’m a bit disappointed in my kids today. I guess parents get that way at times. They seem so callous and disaffected to me right now. So unconcerned about anybody else except themselves.

My youngest daughter was in for the last week. The only time she made an effort to spend any time with me was when she needed something.

My 2nd son, who I haven’t seen in over 2 months was in this weekend. I maybe saw him for an hour…tops…but of course, he doesn’t hesitate to ask me to do things for him.

My oldest daughter owes me money…bet you she didn’t make an effort to see me at all this weekend….

I swear….I say I’m done, but you know that I will do what ever they need to make sure they’re ok…even though it may be to my detriment…

Oh yea, did I mention, that I am trying to get moved into my apartment…and NOBODY seems to want to help mama….

I created these monsters….


Wow…its been a while…

I thought when I started this blog, it would be easy to update and keep up with…

Not true…I seem to get distracted too easily…lol…

Well, I guess its time for an update, huh?

I had the most AWESOME Christmas ( I told you its been a while 😉 )

I was reunited with my birth son! (see this post) AND I found I am a grandmother to the most beautiful 3-year old in the world!

My son found me by doing a Google search, go figure, once his dad finally gave him my whole name. He found me the same day, a few hours later.

He left me a voice mail at work and his voice was so shaky and nervous sounding. I cried, he said “I think  you are my birth mom.”

I am…I cried, and cried…I almost got in trouble at work because I totally screwed up this newsletter I was putting together… what…I had my son back

I am ecstatic and I’m planning to visit him for his Birthday in June.

He’s calling me “Mom” already and I couldn’t be happier ( I guess I’ve expressed that already, haven’t I?)

Now, his finding me has opened up a whole hell of a lot of old wounds and made me extremely reflective on my past. I know that so many things and decisions I made were truly just because I was young and very, very naive. I really don’t have regrets, but, I see my journey from there to here and wonder why it took so long for me to learn my lessons.

My current situation is still no better and I am so embarrassed that he had to find me in this predicament…but he says he understands and I believe he does.

Things are changing and I’m no longer willing to accept what I have always pushed to background.

Thank you God for giving me my son back and letting me know that I am truly loved, unconditionally, by my children.

There is more to come, but I gotta get back to work now.


Annoyed, Irritated and Trying not to Care

I ask you, have you ever been at such a level of irritation or annoyance that there are just NO words that can express it?

Well, I am, with my life, my job, my kids…everydamnthingrightnow….

I get that I am a “go to” type of person in both work and home life. But right now, I want someone else to be that person I can go to…I need to step away from everything for a week or so, before someone gets a karate chop to the throat.

No, seriously…

I’m usually the one person you can count on to be level and logical when shit goes wrong, but right now, its really hard to care…

No time to post more details, but I will try to update ya’ll on things tomorrow.


Hello World

For those of you who actually read my blog and are friends, I’m writing to let you know that I will be OTG for a while.

I’m taking some time to take care of me and figure my life out, without distraction.

I don’t know if this will work, but I need to try something. So much is going on inside of me that I don’t know which way to turn.

They say true friends will be there no matter how far you may travel.  I hope you all are still here when I come back.

Please, leave me comments here, I will check as frequently as possible.

Love and SMOOCHES!

Returning to me

Well, that last post, about withstanding potholes? Yea, well, the last one I hit did some major damage so I think it’s time to take her in for an overhaul.

Realizing that I am stronger and deserve more, I am resolving to change my situation. First with accepting that I cannot change the person who I am with, but I can change how I deal with him.

I found that I started censoring who I am to be with him and had begun to lose myself.

I was wallowing in what I couldn’t change, now I am going to revel in making myself to be the person I know I am, inside, and not what he wants outside…

I began to repress my feelings for the sake of not causing arguments or stress…but it was beginning to eat away at me…

I was becoming depressed…snapping at the kids, staying in bed, dropping off my diet…all because I was suppressing who I truly am.

No longer…No more self-abuse, no more self-doubt.

No more pretending…

I love ME, damn everything else…