A Phoenix Rises from the Ashes

‘Tis the Season

‘Tis the Season
it is said
for all souls and bodies
to be fed

Prayers and gifts
but what if
your heart
just doesn’t fit

Hurts and sorrows

Dreams of better
tomorrows

Dreams of days
that never seem
to carry the promise

Nights filled with tears
heart filled with fears
worry
despairs
nobody else
really cares

‘Tis the Season
it is said
for little boys and girls
to slumber
deeply in their bed

With dreams of presents
and dreams of fun

But not for those who
can’t do anything
but
run
away from pain
and deep regrets
away
from
goals and ambitions
unfulfilled

Run
inside themselves
and hide the aches
upon
heavy laden shelves

Showing only to the world
a smile and a gracious bow

Hidden
so none may know
None of the pain
will ever show

‘Tis the Season
for xmas wishes
come true
always taught
Be Good
and
wonderful things
will
come
to you

Reality is
wishes aren’t
life hurts
love is difficult

Only the ones
who live it deeply

Only the ones
who give it freely

Know
of the hurts

Know
of
giving
your all
to those
you love

Scattered

Silence, these voices
swimming around my mind
can’t stop, spinning top
loud, soft, go stop, up, down, in, out
crazy days, more often than not

These Tears I Cry…

Just realized how much this song relates to my situation right now…

Storage

Today, I’m going to start cleaning out my storage unit and move things into my new apartment. I won’t be completely able to actually survive living there until the 1st of September, though…money is TIGHT…to say the least. August has been the hardest month so far when it comes to my finances because I really had to help my son get an apartment so as not to be homeless….but that’s a story for another post…I think I’ll title it “the things we do for our children but would never even think about asking anyone to do it for us…”

So in thinking about my storage unit, I likened it to the way we store our experiences and how if we don’t clean them out, we will constantly pay a fee for keeping things that will help us move on (once we address it) locked up in our mental storage.

I’ll be starting therapy soon so that I can clean out my mental  and emotional storage and so I can work towards being a better me.

I have a lot of hurt from this relationship and from my past. Things that reared their ugly heads when I reunited with my son. Things I locked away because they hurt so badly. Things that caused me to get unhealthily attached to my kids dad. Things that made me walk away from him and set me on this journey. Things that I am so not proud of ….you get my drift?

I now know that holding those things in storage have stunted my emotional and mental growth and I’m looking forward to delving into them and exercising them for good!

I’m gonna get my SunShyn back…

*smooches*

Courage

Let me catch up on what’s been happening…

As you know, I reunited with my son on Christmas Day 2011. That took me on a journey, let me tell you, a journey to find that little girl I left behind. That happy, smiling, self-confident….loving, trusting, sweetheart of a girl….with all her flaws and imperfections…

After our reunion, I was just so…just I really can’t even put a finger on it…I was embarrassed that my life seemed to be stagnant… I was mortified that I was so scared of my kids dad that I couldn’t spend his entire visit with him. I was so petrified that I still can’t even put that feeling into words.

I felt like I had to justify why I was such a coward. He understood. I cannot fathom how he felt that I didn’t spend more than a couple hours with him…I don’t think I even want to.

That day was the catalyst for where I am right now. I spent months upon months gathering the courage to make a stand and do what I know was right for me.

First, I made plans to visit him for Easter…I was a coward and cancelled at the last minute. I don’t think I even want to know how that made him feel. Next, I wanted him to come here for Mother’s Day (but when I think back on it, it was unreasonable, he is still getting over his mother’s death.) He cancelled stating that he didn’t want to have to stay in a hotel again. I understood, it hurt, but I understood.

I was being unreliable and undependable, all because of my kids dad….I was being forced to make a choice. Even though the words that were coming out of his mouth said that even though he refused to support me in my relationship with my son, he wasn’t going to do anything (read: physically) to prevent it.

Yeah, right…

So, I made plans to go to Denver to be with my son for his birthday. Needless to say, I don’t think he trusted that I was going to come. I truly believe that he thought I would let him down. Every time we had a conversation from the time I told him I was coming, up through the day I actually got on the plane, he asked me was I still coming. Deep down, I didn’t know if I was going to have the courage to actually do it, myself.

I did it. I walked out of that house on Friday, June 8 with the intention of never coming back. To the point of actually leaving my house keys on the table. I never had the courage to talk to my kids dad about what was going on, I couldn’t deal with any arguing or emotional outbursts, me begging and pleading for him to let me go…I just walked out…and left my cell phone dead on the table…

So, I suppose that was something telling me I had to face him, that day….my gut was tied in knots…to say the least. I had my daughter help me kinda of pull the wool over his eyes and was back at the house when he got home…(needless to say, I had to cancel my flight for that day and I DREADED telling my son.)

So, to make this short…I faced him and said that I was going to see my son for his birthday and that I was leaving tomorrow and I needed to know if I would have a place to live when I returned.

*dead silence*

He didn’t take that well, and I don’t blame him. He said no…and to make sure that if I went, I packed up all my things and took them with me. Well, I asked him, again, same answer. He said I was doing the same thing as when I left 3 years ago.

It was nothing of the sort, but I couldn’t convince him. I left…I haven’t lived in that house since…

(According to him, I misunderstood him telling me to get out…that he only meant for me to leave and let him calm down…yea…right)

To be continued…

I’m a bit disappointed in my kids today. I guess parents get that way at times. They seem so callous and disaffected to me right now. So unconcerned about anybody else except themselves.

My youngest daughter was in for the last week. The only time she made an effort to spend any time with me was when she needed something.

My 2nd son, who I haven’t seen in over 2 months was in this weekend. I maybe saw him for an hour…tops…but of course, he doesn’t hesitate to ask me to do things for him.

My oldest daughter owes me money…bet you she didn’t make an effort to see me at all this weekend….

I swear….I say I’m done, but you know that I will do what ever they need to make sure they’re ok…even though it may be to my detriment…

Oh yea, did I mention, that I am trying to get moved into my apartment…and NOBODY seems to want to help mama….

I created these monsters….

**sigh**

I thought when I started this blog, it would be easy to update and keep up with…

Not true…I seem to get distracted too easily…lol…

Well, I guess its time for an update, huh?

I had the most AWESOME Christmas ( I told you its been a while 😉 )

I was reunited with my birth son! (see this post) AND I found I am a grandmother to the most beautiful 3-year old in the world!

My son found me by doing a Google search, go figure, once his dad finally gave him my whole name. He found me the same day, a few hours later.

He left me a voice mail at work and his voice was so shaky and nervous sounding. I cried, he said “I think  you are my birth mom.”

I am…I cried, and cried…I almost got in trouble at work because I totally screwed up this newsletter I was putting together…but..so what…I had my son back

I am ecstatic and I’m planning to visit him for his Birthday in June.

He’s calling me “Mom” already and I couldn’t be happier ( I guess I’ve expressed that already, haven’t I?)

Now, his finding me has opened up a whole hell of a lot of old wounds and made me extremely reflective on my past. I know that so many things and decisions I made were truly just because I was young and very, very naive. I really don’t have regrets, but, I see my journey from there to here and wonder why it took so long for me to learn my lessons.

My current situation is still no better and I am so embarrassed that he had to find me in this predicament…but he says he understands and I believe he does.

Things are changing and I’m no longer willing to accept what I have always pushed to background.

Thank you God for giving me my son back and letting me know that I am truly loved, unconditionally, by my children.

There is more to come, but I gotta get back to work now.

~~Smooches~~